A Girl in a Tutu

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

http://thegirlhefightsfor.tumblr.com

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I’ve come to the conclusion I write when Im angry/hurt/confused/undecided. I don’t write when things are happy. Because when I’m happy I’m content with my life, I don’t need to write to sort out how I’m feeling.

So Justin. He is my boyfriend. We started dating 07/05/2011. He literally turned my life around. He brought me out of the depths of myself, the dark depressing self harming depths. He showed me trust. He showed me love. He showed me what it was like to be happy. He showed me that my decisions I had made, while they might not necessarily have been the best, they were the ones I had made and there was nothing I could do about that except find peace and move on. And for the most part that is exactly what I’ve done.

So its been almost 4 months of everything I wanted. Its not perfect, but if I expected it to be I would only spend every day being disappointed. But I love him, and when he said Be with me forever, I meant it when I said yes.

I still have rough days, or rough weeks. Alot of things are still going wrong. For example I’m unemployed and have realised how few friends from high school I have left. Its hard somedays. I guess the selfish part of me takes it out on him sometimes. I get jealous when he goes out with his friends when he hasnt seen me for a few days, or when he will ditch plans with me to go out. But I guess that is because I don’t want to share, lol. I get jealous when the girls post <3′s on his wall and “I miss you” because I guess in my book I wouldnt write that on a taken guys wall. For the most part those girls have known him longer than me, but it doesnt change the fact I dont like it but I keep the frustration to myself and my online friend Mellow.

So Justin want’s to join the army/airforce/whatever. I support that. I support that because I want him to have a dream. I want him to have a goal, a motivation something to work towards. He has decided that the ADF is his baby. I want him to have a career, be able to support him and his future family (whether that is me or not), I want him to be happy.

So out of no where, he messages me to tell me that it wont work because of the ADF and it will be too hard, and he doesnt want to hurt me or some bullshit that I dont understand. So I ask him if he wants to be with me, which he replied I do. I asked him if I was worth fighting for, which he didnt really give me an answer to. I asked him why he had to pick between the girl and the career, it would be too hard. I asked him if he saw a future with us, which he replied I dont know. He wants to be friends. He wants to end it now/soon so we can patch things up and be best friends? I don’t want to be best friends. I dont to be his girl.

I want to be the girl he snuggles up to in the middle of the night. I want to be the girl he runs up to and kisses when he hasnt seen me in a while. I want to be the girl who stands on the sideline and cheers for him playing a sport she doesn’t really want to understand. I want to be the girl he pulls closer to keep her safe when walking down the street. I want to be the girl he is scared to lose, because shes equally as scared to lose him. I want to be his girl. I want to be the girl he loves, forever.

To me it sounds a whole lot like I’m not worth fighting for. Like I’m not good enough. Like I was his short term friends with benefits girl. Like I wasn’t a forever thing.

He said he wanted a week break. So I asked him that it meant he didn’t want to talk or see me for a whole god damn week. Yes. He asked me if that was okay. Did I really have a choice? So he ended with phone conversation with Ill see you next Saturday, take care. No I love you.

So I balled my eyes out. Throw the phone at the filing cabinet. The usual I want to punch things attitude.

I talked it out with mum. It helped kinda.

Then I log onto facebook with a relationship request, and I was like aww. Until I saw that he had changed our relationship status to ‘in an open relationship’. It took us weeks to be in a relationship on fb when we started dating but it took a matter of minutes for the whole of our friends lists to see I wasnt a good enough girlfriend. I msged him to change it back, to save me the constant questions. He didn’t. At this point in what has happened in the last day, THAT is what hurt the most.

To be continued… 6 sleeps to go.

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New blog coming your way chickens

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New life new blog? <3

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